I like to think of myself as a horse. Sometimes I'm soft and cuddly and people can wrap their arms around my neck and lean on me. Sometimes I buck and kick and run away.
Some people are like sweet little deer. They are doe eyed and a little misty as if filmed through the soft lens of a camera. They seem almost to float through life with a certain glow about them.
Some people are blood sucking leeches. Not the cute, fluffy kind you're probably thinking about. The toxic, vile, acid leaking ones that suck out every ounce of joy and happiness until you're left a hollow, vacant shell of a person.
The line is clearly defined between leech and deer. Some deer have leech tendencies, but rarely does a leech act like a deer. If you are confused about whether a person is a leech or a deer, consider the following:
Example A:
Your mother, whom you haven't visited for over a year, has just died. After complaining about the heat several times and about the long drive, you hit up several family members for gas money during the visitation. Since they are paying for your place to stay while you are in town, and many of them came from farther away than you did, they refuse to give you any money. Failing to achieve your goals, you ask the funeral home for money for gas. - Deer or Leech? If you guessed LEECH, you are correct!
Number 2:
Your girlfriend is cheating on you. You refuse to admit it. After seeing numerous emails and text messages between your girlfriend and another man, you come home from work to find your unemployed girlfriend and her "friend" watching movies while curled up on your couch. You find out that they've been drinking and he has been there all day. You ask what's for supper and are told they ordered pizza, but already ate. When you go to the fridge, you see that she didn't do the grocery shopping as she had promised and now you have nothing to eat except a piece of stale bread and a carrot. You understand though, she has been stressed out lately about not working. She needs to kick back and relax sometimes and you probably haven't been around enough with working all that over time to pay the bills. To make up for it, you load the dishwasher and ask them if they want some wings since you're placing an order. - Deer or Leech? DEER!
Tres:
Your father is ill. He did very well for himself during his lifetime and has plenty of money to pay his medical bills and for someone to take care of him. You realize that he probably will never be able to drive again and he has a very nice truck. You take the keys and have him sign the title over in your name. No sense in a new truck going to waste. After several months in a nursing home you never visit, he passes away. You find out that he had put in his will that you were to get the truck and your sister is to get the house. You get angry because now you don't get anything and it cost you money to get that title switched over. He spent all his money on the nursing home. So, you break into the house and steal some of his guns and items that he willed to grandchildren and other people. They should have been yours anyway, right? - Deer or Leech? LEECH!
So, let's all try to be something besides deer and something besides leeches, shall we? We don't like roaches either.
This has been a public service announcement.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Day 7 - Still Going Strong
So, I fell off the wagon a little bit on Saturday. A friend invited me over for dinner and movie night. She made chicken piccata, fresh corn, salad and fresh watermelon. Her original menu was chicken piccata with hashbrown casserole and corn fritters. She laid off most of the fried foods for my benefit and served my piece of chicken with fresh lemon instead of the lemon butter sauce. It was delicious. I called it "Chicken Crack" because after not having anything fried at all for over a week, it tasted heavenly. Plus, she is an excellent cook.
I had weighed myself that morning and was down to 271.6 by my scale. For those of you keeping track at home, that's 11.5 pounds lost in a week (if my scales and the scales at my doctor are the same). True, I still know that most of this is water weight and yes, I know I can gain it back as fast as I lost it, but it still feels pretty darn good. If I can lose almost 12 pounds in five days, imagine what I can do in a year!
Sunday, I did 23 minutes on the treadmill at 2mph. I haven't worked up to having any incline on the treadmill yet. I was sweating by the time I was done. Best feeling I've had in a while. I can't remember the last time I sweated that much or the last time I was so proud of myself. I did it. I did the 20 minutes and when my calves were cramping and my mind was telling me that I was going to die if I didn't stop, I pushed through it by closing my eyes and refusing to look at the timer or the lap indicator. My husband put some music on to inspire me. It worked.
Today I have a doctor's appointment at my internist's office. I plan to have her check out my heart, thyroid, etc. and make sure there is nothing wrong with me physically that could be causing the extreme fatigue and lethargy I have been feeling. I want to know that my only problem is my fat. If I can get over the fear of having a heart attack while I exercise, I will be able to push myself harder and I won't have any excuses left.
I have been suffering from extreme edema over the past two years. At one point, I was hospitalized with chest pains and edema. I was put through a battery of tests and then released with high blood pressure medication. For a year I took the medication. The entire time I was telling the physician's assistant that I thought it was killing me. She refused to take me off of it saying it took some time to get used to. After going to a different doctor in the practice, she weaned me off of it over a period of two weeks and brought me back for testing. She proclaimed that indeed I did not have high blood pressure and didn't need the medication. My normal BP readings now are around 110/70. I have asked numerous times what is causing my edema and they always say the same thing. My weight.
Today's appointment is with a new doctor at a new practice. I want a second opinion. I want to know for sure that my edema (which is getting much better already) is a direct result of my weight and not a result of heart disease. Heart disease is rampant in my family as is congestive heart failure. I want to know for sure that I'm not in danger of that happening to me on this diet.
This is shot day as well. I will take my shot after I return home this evening. My husband says he wants to give me my shot. I'm not sure I want him to, but I have no problem giving it to myself. We'll see how that goes.
Found out over the weekend, that a group of us girls are supposed to go to Savannah, GA one weekend next April. Imagine how much more comfortable and energetic I will be if I continue to lose weight and walk until then. The exercise alone will help me. I struggle with it more than the diet. I need to get motivated! I plan a trip to the DVD store today to look for some yoga and pilates routines. I've never tried either, but I need to work on my flexibility and range of motion. Back to the chiropractor on Thursday for another adjustment. I always feel so much better after leaving her office.
Today's lunch - Smart Ones Salisbury Steak. Yum!
I had weighed myself that morning and was down to 271.6 by my scale. For those of you keeping track at home, that's 11.5 pounds lost in a week (if my scales and the scales at my doctor are the same). True, I still know that most of this is water weight and yes, I know I can gain it back as fast as I lost it, but it still feels pretty darn good. If I can lose almost 12 pounds in five days, imagine what I can do in a year!
Sunday, I did 23 minutes on the treadmill at 2mph. I haven't worked up to having any incline on the treadmill yet. I was sweating by the time I was done. Best feeling I've had in a while. I can't remember the last time I sweated that much or the last time I was so proud of myself. I did it. I did the 20 minutes and when my calves were cramping and my mind was telling me that I was going to die if I didn't stop, I pushed through it by closing my eyes and refusing to look at the timer or the lap indicator. My husband put some music on to inspire me. It worked.
Today I have a doctor's appointment at my internist's office. I plan to have her check out my heart, thyroid, etc. and make sure there is nothing wrong with me physically that could be causing the extreme fatigue and lethargy I have been feeling. I want to know that my only problem is my fat. If I can get over the fear of having a heart attack while I exercise, I will be able to push myself harder and I won't have any excuses left.
I have been suffering from extreme edema over the past two years. At one point, I was hospitalized with chest pains and edema. I was put through a battery of tests and then released with high blood pressure medication. For a year I took the medication. The entire time I was telling the physician's assistant that I thought it was killing me. She refused to take me off of it saying it took some time to get used to. After going to a different doctor in the practice, she weaned me off of it over a period of two weeks and brought me back for testing. She proclaimed that indeed I did not have high blood pressure and didn't need the medication. My normal BP readings now are around 110/70. I have asked numerous times what is causing my edema and they always say the same thing. My weight.
Today's appointment is with a new doctor at a new practice. I want a second opinion. I want to know for sure that my edema (which is getting much better already) is a direct result of my weight and not a result of heart disease. Heart disease is rampant in my family as is congestive heart failure. I want to know for sure that I'm not in danger of that happening to me on this diet.
This is shot day as well. I will take my shot after I return home this evening. My husband says he wants to give me my shot. I'm not sure I want him to, but I have no problem giving it to myself. We'll see how that goes.
Found out over the weekend, that a group of us girls are supposed to go to Savannah, GA one weekend next April. Imagine how much more comfortable and energetic I will be if I continue to lose weight and walk until then. The exercise alone will help me. I struggle with it more than the diet. I need to get motivated! I plan a trip to the DVD store today to look for some yoga and pilates routines. I've never tried either, but I need to work on my flexibility and range of motion. Back to the chiropractor on Thursday for another adjustment. I always feel so much better after leaving her office.
Today's lunch - Smart Ones Salisbury Steak. Yum!
Friday, August 26, 2011
Day 4: Starving
In order to lose the weight I need to lose, I contacted a Weight Loss and Wellness Clinic. I had done some research online and read reviews and testimonials about the doctor there. He apparently has had some success and has several offices in North Carolina where I live.
When I arrived for my appointment on Tuesday, August 23, I was very nervous. I didn't know what to expect from them. Much of my nervousness was relieved when they gave me a workbook and showed me a 45 minute video of the doctor explaining the diet, shots, prescriptions, etc. that are available.
I was taken into a room where a very friendly nurse put me on the fanciest scale I've ever seen. It weighed me and calculated my body mass index (BMI) and calculated where I carried most of my weight (legs, hips and butt). Then, it gave all that information in an informative color printout with pictures and graphs and told me exactly what I needed to lose and from what part of my body I needed to lose water weight and maintain muscle mass. Super cool, but still depressing.
The paper says:
"Body composition testing is the process of measuring the components of your body, in short what you're made of. Weight alone is not a clear indication of good health because it does not distinguish how many pounds are fat and how many pounds are lean body mass. By regularly monitoring your Body Fat, Muscle Mass or Muscular Development, you can understand how your diet, lifestyle and exercise regime are influencing your body composition. Knowing what's working for you can help you target and reach your wellness, appearance and longevity goals."
The nurse asked me, before she showed me my paper, how much weight I wanted to lose. I told her 100 pounds. My paper says I need to lose 96.8 pounds. So, I've already lost 3.2 pounds in my mind. She asked me if I would be doing the HCG shots. I had read about the shots ahead of time and had made the decision to take them. HCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) is a controversial treatment for obesity. HCG is normally produced by pregnant women in very high levels in the first trimester of pregnancy. The dosage they give for obesity is much lower than what you would experience in pregnancy. Men are also able to take these injections and they actually have better results than a lot of women. You cannot take these injections if you have a history of cancer and they don't work for everyone. I had my first injection at the doctor's office on Tuesday and was sent home with three more syringes. I have to give myself shots once every Tuesday until I return to the doctor's office on September 20th.
The other decision I had to make was whether I would take the diet pills. I elected to try those as well. I am currently taking three 35 mg Phendimetrazine per day. These are appetite suppresants. That is what I need. Since the pills are addictive, the doctor will not leave me on them for an extended period of time. I'm good with that. I'm admittedly a little nervous about taking them. He says that I should use these 30 days to retrain my body and my mind on portion control and self control. He also said that if I stick to the diet plan, that my stomach will shrink by as much as 80%. It will be like having a gastric bypass without all the surgery. Since I had been considering GB before discovering this diet, this is good news. Frankly, if my insurance would cover the GB I would probably be writing a blog about my recovery from surgery.
In the morning I drink a whey based protein shake. One scoop mixed with water. If you get the vanilla kind, you can mix it with 1/3 cup frozen unsweetened fruit, diet soda (orange for dreamcicle flavor) or other things. Had I realized how much more flexible the vanilla was, I would have gotten that. I elected to get the chocolate thinking that it would taste less "pasty". I will try the vanilla next month. The 30g of protein are supposed to keep me from being so hungry and help me burn more fat throughout the day. So far, that is not the case. I take my first pill with my protein shake at 6:30am.
At 11am I take my second pill. At 12pm I eat lunch. I have been eating a "diet" pre-boxed microwaveable lunch such as you find in your local grocery store. The ones with high protein and low carbs are the best choices. Watch your calorie content. According the diet I am on, take your total protein grams and multiply by 4. Subtract that number from the total calories you consumed to get your TRUE calories. Those are the calories you need to burn off. You should get no more than 600 to 800 calories per day the first two weeks of the diet. The third week, you increase to 1000 to 1200 per day. You keep repeating that rotation to keep your metabolism up.
I take my last pill around 4pm when I leave work. For dinner the first night of my diet, I had a baked chicken breast about 6pm, but didn't have any of the required low starch vegetables. Remember, I have to change my entire lifestyle and all my eating habits. All I had on hand were potatoes, rice, corn and beans. All bad. This proved to be a huge mistake. Even though I waited the required time between my pill and my meal, by the time 7pm rolled around I felt I could have eaten the south end of a north bound buffalo.
The second day of my diet, I made a huge bowl of sugar free Jello. I followed the same meal and pill plan except for supper I had a center cut pork chop, string beans (allowed) and I had Jello for dessert. Much better! You are allowed one small snack per day. Sugar free Jello, 28 pretzel sticks, apple, etc. Healthy choices and low carbs and sugars are the key. If it has protein in it, much better.
The third day I followed the same plan for breakfast and for lunch, but for dinner I had Moo Goo Gai Pan from my local Chinese restaurant. True, dining out options are very limited on this diet, but there are some things you are able to eat. You just can't eat all of it. I got a pint of Moo Goo which came with white rice. I could have eaten half the Moo Goo and 1/2 cup white rice. I chose to forego the rice and eat the pint of Moo Goo to get my vegetable serving and my protein and less carbs. For dessert I had an apple. I felt satisfied, but not overly full.
I am supposed to get two vegetable servings and two fruit servings per day and drink 6 to 8 glasses of no calorie or low calorie liquid. I count my protein shake as one of my liquid servings since I mix it with water. I have black coffee with two sweetener packets when I get to work. My company provides bottled water. I purchased some of the pre-measured drink mix pouches and mix those with my water throughout the day. Normally I drink two of those while I'm at work. Before I leave work, I mix another pouch with water and take it with me. I sip on this as I run errands, pick my son up from school, etc. That's four. When I get home, I drink a glass of unsweetened tea with two packets of sweetener with my meal. Before I go to bed I refill my glass with water. I sip on this throughout the evening as I walk on the treadmill and watch television.
According to my doctor, you should exercise at least four times a week but no more than six. You should exercise at least 20 minutes. That should be consistant movement. He said activities such as lifting weights do not count toward those 20 minutes. Water jogging, swimming, water aerobics and walking in water are his recommended exercises for people just starting out. It's easier on joints and helps support your weight. Even though I belong to a gym with a pool, I choose not to use it because of my body image. I do not like wearing a bathing suit in public.
I purchased a used treadmill from someone online and my husband picked it up for me. It is now in the middle of my living room. It looks awful there, but I can't not notice it or forget about it there. I'm not tempted to hang clothes on it. Plus, I can walk on the treadmill while watching television. Last night was my first attempt. I would like to say I put it on 2 mph with full incline and jogged for half an hour, but I'd be lying. I put it on 1.6 mph with no incline and made it almost thirteen minutes before my legs felt like lead weights, I was sweating, out of breath and beginning to limp from the pain in my calf muscles. As my husband said, that was more than I did the day before and I just need to make it a little further every day. I like that.
My booklet plainly says to not weigh yourself at home because all scales are different and people get discouraged. I couldn't help myself. Even knowing that you weigh more at night than you do in the morning, I weighed myself before I went to bed. My scale said 274.6. Surely I haven't already lost 8.5 lbs. That's not possible in three days, is it? If I have then it is probably all water weight or my scale reads lower than the doctor's scale. Since I don't go back for a month, I'm curious to see how much I can lose. Now I'm motivated. I would love to lose 20 pounds this month.
So, here we are on day FOUR of the diet. I have had my protein shake and my first pill of the day. I am drinking my coffee...and I am starving. I have a diet dinner in the freezer at work. I think it's chicken parmesan. I will take my next pill at 11am allowing me to eat after 12pm. I can't wait!
When I arrived for my appointment on Tuesday, August 23, I was very nervous. I didn't know what to expect from them. Much of my nervousness was relieved when they gave me a workbook and showed me a 45 minute video of the doctor explaining the diet, shots, prescriptions, etc. that are available.
I was taken into a room where a very friendly nurse put me on the fanciest scale I've ever seen. It weighed me and calculated my body mass index (BMI) and calculated where I carried most of my weight (legs, hips and butt). Then, it gave all that information in an informative color printout with pictures and graphs and told me exactly what I needed to lose and from what part of my body I needed to lose water weight and maintain muscle mass. Super cool, but still depressing.
The paper says:
"Body composition testing is the process of measuring the components of your body, in short what you're made of. Weight alone is not a clear indication of good health because it does not distinguish how many pounds are fat and how many pounds are lean body mass. By regularly monitoring your Body Fat, Muscle Mass or Muscular Development, you can understand how your diet, lifestyle and exercise regime are influencing your body composition. Knowing what's working for you can help you target and reach your wellness, appearance and longevity goals."
The nurse asked me, before she showed me my paper, how much weight I wanted to lose. I told her 100 pounds. My paper says I need to lose 96.8 pounds. So, I've already lost 3.2 pounds in my mind. She asked me if I would be doing the HCG shots. I had read about the shots ahead of time and had made the decision to take them. HCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) is a controversial treatment for obesity. HCG is normally produced by pregnant women in very high levels in the first trimester of pregnancy. The dosage they give for obesity is much lower than what you would experience in pregnancy. Men are also able to take these injections and they actually have better results than a lot of women. You cannot take these injections if you have a history of cancer and they don't work for everyone. I had my first injection at the doctor's office on Tuesday and was sent home with three more syringes. I have to give myself shots once every Tuesday until I return to the doctor's office on September 20th.
The other decision I had to make was whether I would take the diet pills. I elected to try those as well. I am currently taking three 35 mg Phendimetrazine per day. These are appetite suppresants. That is what I need. Since the pills are addictive, the doctor will not leave me on them for an extended period of time. I'm good with that. I'm admittedly a little nervous about taking them. He says that I should use these 30 days to retrain my body and my mind on portion control and self control. He also said that if I stick to the diet plan, that my stomach will shrink by as much as 80%. It will be like having a gastric bypass without all the surgery. Since I had been considering GB before discovering this diet, this is good news. Frankly, if my insurance would cover the GB I would probably be writing a blog about my recovery from surgery.
In the morning I drink a whey based protein shake. One scoop mixed with water. If you get the vanilla kind, you can mix it with 1/3 cup frozen unsweetened fruit, diet soda (orange for dreamcicle flavor) or other things. Had I realized how much more flexible the vanilla was, I would have gotten that. I elected to get the chocolate thinking that it would taste less "pasty". I will try the vanilla next month. The 30g of protein are supposed to keep me from being so hungry and help me burn more fat throughout the day. So far, that is not the case. I take my first pill with my protein shake at 6:30am.
At 11am I take my second pill. At 12pm I eat lunch. I have been eating a "diet" pre-boxed microwaveable lunch such as you find in your local grocery store. The ones with high protein and low carbs are the best choices. Watch your calorie content. According the diet I am on, take your total protein grams and multiply by 4. Subtract that number from the total calories you consumed to get your TRUE calories. Those are the calories you need to burn off. You should get no more than 600 to 800 calories per day the first two weeks of the diet. The third week, you increase to 1000 to 1200 per day. You keep repeating that rotation to keep your metabolism up.
I take my last pill around 4pm when I leave work. For dinner the first night of my diet, I had a baked chicken breast about 6pm, but didn't have any of the required low starch vegetables. Remember, I have to change my entire lifestyle and all my eating habits. All I had on hand were potatoes, rice, corn and beans. All bad. This proved to be a huge mistake. Even though I waited the required time between my pill and my meal, by the time 7pm rolled around I felt I could have eaten the south end of a north bound buffalo.
The second day of my diet, I made a huge bowl of sugar free Jello. I followed the same meal and pill plan except for supper I had a center cut pork chop, string beans (allowed) and I had Jello for dessert. Much better! You are allowed one small snack per day. Sugar free Jello, 28 pretzel sticks, apple, etc. Healthy choices and low carbs and sugars are the key. If it has protein in it, much better.
The third day I followed the same plan for breakfast and for lunch, but for dinner I had Moo Goo Gai Pan from my local Chinese restaurant. True, dining out options are very limited on this diet, but there are some things you are able to eat. You just can't eat all of it. I got a pint of Moo Goo which came with white rice. I could have eaten half the Moo Goo and 1/2 cup white rice. I chose to forego the rice and eat the pint of Moo Goo to get my vegetable serving and my protein and less carbs. For dessert I had an apple. I felt satisfied, but not overly full.
I am supposed to get two vegetable servings and two fruit servings per day and drink 6 to 8 glasses of no calorie or low calorie liquid. I count my protein shake as one of my liquid servings since I mix it with water. I have black coffee with two sweetener packets when I get to work. My company provides bottled water. I purchased some of the pre-measured drink mix pouches and mix those with my water throughout the day. Normally I drink two of those while I'm at work. Before I leave work, I mix another pouch with water and take it with me. I sip on this as I run errands, pick my son up from school, etc. That's four. When I get home, I drink a glass of unsweetened tea with two packets of sweetener with my meal. Before I go to bed I refill my glass with water. I sip on this throughout the evening as I walk on the treadmill and watch television.
According to my doctor, you should exercise at least four times a week but no more than six. You should exercise at least 20 minutes. That should be consistant movement. He said activities such as lifting weights do not count toward those 20 minutes. Water jogging, swimming, water aerobics and walking in water are his recommended exercises for people just starting out. It's easier on joints and helps support your weight. Even though I belong to a gym with a pool, I choose not to use it because of my body image. I do not like wearing a bathing suit in public.
I purchased a used treadmill from someone online and my husband picked it up for me. It is now in the middle of my living room. It looks awful there, but I can't not notice it or forget about it there. I'm not tempted to hang clothes on it. Plus, I can walk on the treadmill while watching television. Last night was my first attempt. I would like to say I put it on 2 mph with full incline and jogged for half an hour, but I'd be lying. I put it on 1.6 mph with no incline and made it almost thirteen minutes before my legs felt like lead weights, I was sweating, out of breath and beginning to limp from the pain in my calf muscles. As my husband said, that was more than I did the day before and I just need to make it a little further every day. I like that.
My booklet plainly says to not weigh yourself at home because all scales are different and people get discouraged. I couldn't help myself. Even knowing that you weigh more at night than you do in the morning, I weighed myself before I went to bed. My scale said 274.6. Surely I haven't already lost 8.5 lbs. That's not possible in three days, is it? If I have then it is probably all water weight or my scale reads lower than the doctor's scale. Since I don't go back for a month, I'm curious to see how much I can lose. Now I'm motivated. I would love to lose 20 pounds this month.
So, here we are on day FOUR of the diet. I have had my protein shake and my first pill of the day. I am drinking my coffee...and I am starving. I have a diet dinner in the freezer at work. I think it's chicken parmesan. I will take my next pill at 11am allowing me to eat after 12pm. I can't wait!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Diet - The Prelude
A little background:
In my early childhood I was extremely skinny. As I went through puberty I was average weight for my height. It wasn't until I reached high school that I started to put on weight. I discovered that eating made me feel better about the stress of school and home life. I love food! I went from 5'7" and 150 pounds to 185 pounds by my junior year. By the time I graduated, I had bulked up to 200 pounds.
As I entered college, I lost weight. I was away from negative influences at home and I had drive and ambition and a positive attitude. Also, there wasn't a lot of junk food in my dorm room because I couldn't afford it. I dropped down to 170 pounds and began playing tennis and taking nightly walks with my roommate. I felt great.
After college, I moved home again. My weight immediately began to climb. My parents divorced after twenty five years of marriage amid lots of emotional and mental anguish for all of us. I ate and ate and ate. Before long, I was up to 240 pounds and I was miserable. Then, I got a very physically demanding job. I was twenty one and I started working for a large company in the shipping department unloading trucks. Within six months I was down to 170 pounds.
I met my future ex husband at work. After deciding to move in together a year later, my weight began to climb. You see, I thought he was my knight in shining armor. He was going to rescue me from the emotional and mental abuse I dealt with in my family. Little did I understand, at that time, that I was doing nothing more than exchanging tormentors.
My husband's first assault on my fragile ego was when he began talking about a girl he worked with at his new job. He bragged about how she was flirting with him and how good she looked. He continually assured me he wouldn't do anything with her because he was with me, but that didn't stop the comments. If I said anything about it bothering me, I was called "jealous", "psychotic", and "crazy". I ate my insecurities and pain.
The more I ate, the more pain I had. When we got married I had a good paying job with a large company in their engineering department. I was 23 and my weight had already climbed to 210 pounds. My husband began making comments about my weight. One time in particular, I had just gotten out of the shower and he said, "You need to go on a diet." Another time he said, "You used to be beautiful before you got fat." Those are only two of the comments I remember. We won’t discuss the looks, sounds of disgust and jokes. We didn't have sex on our honeymoon. He was very subtle when he stated "If you get to the point that my seatbelts don't fit you any more I'm divorcing you". He had a sports car at the time and while the seat belts fit me fine, he said they hadn't fit his sister when she rode with him and he was disgusted by that. I ate.
Our sex life completely dried up. I can count on one hand the number of times we had sex the first three years of our marriage. He kept saying it was him, not me. I suspected infidelity, homosexuality and every other thought a woman in her early twenties with a husband in his mid twenties would suspect if they weren't having sex. Especially considering that sometimes we had sex three times a day while we were living together. I was constantly finding pornographic magazines and internet porn sites on his browsing history. I was too insecure and scared of losing him to say much, but it bothered me a lot. I knew something was wrong, I just wasn't sure what. I bought lingerie and cooked romantic dinners. I took him on weekend getaways. Nothing worked. So, I ate. You see, having children was extremely important to me. In fact, before I married my ex I told him that I would not marry him if he didn't want children. It was the only condition I had.
By our fifth year of marriage, I was now 28 and he was 32. We didn't have sex the last three years of our marriage at all. We were married in March 1995 and divorced in November 2002. From 1999 until the day of our divorce, he had not touched me. I hated him by then and probably would have attempted to break his hand if he had tried. I knew he was cheating on me. He had admitted to going to parties and enjoying the company of a seventeen year old girl, "but nothing happened". I also found out he was taking a woman he worked with on "dates" that he called "friends hanging out together". Again, I was called crazy, psychotic and jealous when I had a problem with that. I was done. I also weighed 270 pounds.
After telling my ex husband to leave the house in October 2001, I lost fifty pounds in less than three months. I had the support of friends and family. I was meeting people and began dating four months after our separation. I had made up my mind that I was too young to be miserable any longer and that I was going to have a life free of emotional and mental abuse. I didn't care when I found out he was telling everyone I cheated on him. I didn't care when I found out he had a letter written by someone I had never heard of and was telling people it was from my boyfriend. I didn't care when he told my mother I had made a pass at his co-worker at a party. I didn't care when I found out that he told everyone that he worked with that he didn't know where I was a lot of times when he knew I was visiting family or on business trips. What got me is when I found out he married the woman he had been cheating on me with and she had three kids. I discovered black, swirling, sucking, stinking pools of hatred deep within my gut that I never knew existed.
I began dating someone that I thought was the answer to all my prayers. He was handsome, successful, and independent. He treated me like I had always wanted to be treated. Nights that I got out of work late, he would call me and talk to me on the way home until he was sure I was in the house and safe. I felt loved. I felt cherished. I felt beautiful. I lost another twenty pounds. I was now 180 pounds. In June of that same year, 2002, I found out I was pregnant. I also found out that my Prince Charming wasn't so charming after all. He disappeared. He moved, changed his phone number, changed his email address and told the people at his work not to put my calls through. Now, it may surprise you to hear that I really wasn't that upset with him. I was too happy about being pregnant. I could do this on my own. I owned a house, a car, had a good job. I didn't need him or anyone to help me. This was completely doable.
I lived forty five minutes from my mother at the time and I'm diabetic. She insisted that I sell my home and come live with her. I resisted. She insisted. I resisted more. She insisted more. Finally, after realizing that my morning sickness, weekly doctor's appointments, endocrinologist appointments and twice weekly non-stress tests were taking a toll on my job and my pocket book, I agreed. If I didn't have the house payment to worry about I would be fine. That was the beginning of the end.
My younger sister, who lives next door to my mother, was not supportive. Actually, saying that my sister wasn't supportive is like saying Hitler didn't like Jewish people. I was called everything but human. I was criticized. I was ridiculed. It was nine months of unceasing hatred, finger pointing and harassment. My morning sickness increased, I began losing weight. The doctors worried about the baby. My sister accused me of being a drama queen. My mother refused to take sides or "get in the middle". I regretted my decision to sell my home, but now I couldn't afford to move out because of all the missed time from work. I was on FMLA and my hours were quickly dwindling. People at work would look at me and say, "I can't believe you're still coming to work." I looked like death warmed over.
When my son was born I quickly regained my weight and extra. I was up to 240 pounds in no time. My weight has steadily climbed since that time. I am now 5'7" on the dot and 285 pounds. I am happily remarried and living away from my mother and sisters. I will be forty years old in September and it has taken me this long to admit that those family relationships are toxic for me. I have made a decision to lose the weight and to get past the constant negativity and indifference of my family. I will do it and I will be healthy in my forties both physically and mentally. My son needs me and he needs me to spend time with him and to be more active. I want that too. He is the most important thing in my life and since heart disease, diabetes and strokes are in our family history, if I don't do something I won't be here in twenty years. I truly believe that.
And so, it begins...
In my early childhood I was extremely skinny. As I went through puberty I was average weight for my height. It wasn't until I reached high school that I started to put on weight. I discovered that eating made me feel better about the stress of school and home life. I love food! I went from 5'7" and 150 pounds to 185 pounds by my junior year. By the time I graduated, I had bulked up to 200 pounds.
As I entered college, I lost weight. I was away from negative influences at home and I had drive and ambition and a positive attitude. Also, there wasn't a lot of junk food in my dorm room because I couldn't afford it. I dropped down to 170 pounds and began playing tennis and taking nightly walks with my roommate. I felt great.
After college, I moved home again. My weight immediately began to climb. My parents divorced after twenty five years of marriage amid lots of emotional and mental anguish for all of us. I ate and ate and ate. Before long, I was up to 240 pounds and I was miserable. Then, I got a very physically demanding job. I was twenty one and I started working for a large company in the shipping department unloading trucks. Within six months I was down to 170 pounds.
I met my future ex husband at work. After deciding to move in together a year later, my weight began to climb. You see, I thought he was my knight in shining armor. He was going to rescue me from the emotional and mental abuse I dealt with in my family. Little did I understand, at that time, that I was doing nothing more than exchanging tormentors.
My husband's first assault on my fragile ego was when he began talking about a girl he worked with at his new job. He bragged about how she was flirting with him and how good she looked. He continually assured me he wouldn't do anything with her because he was with me, but that didn't stop the comments. If I said anything about it bothering me, I was called "jealous", "psychotic", and "crazy". I ate my insecurities and pain.
The more I ate, the more pain I had. When we got married I had a good paying job with a large company in their engineering department. I was 23 and my weight had already climbed to 210 pounds. My husband began making comments about my weight. One time in particular, I had just gotten out of the shower and he said, "You need to go on a diet." Another time he said, "You used to be beautiful before you got fat." Those are only two of the comments I remember. We won’t discuss the looks, sounds of disgust and jokes. We didn't have sex on our honeymoon. He was very subtle when he stated "If you get to the point that my seatbelts don't fit you any more I'm divorcing you". He had a sports car at the time and while the seat belts fit me fine, he said they hadn't fit his sister when she rode with him and he was disgusted by that. I ate.
Our sex life completely dried up. I can count on one hand the number of times we had sex the first three years of our marriage. He kept saying it was him, not me. I suspected infidelity, homosexuality and every other thought a woman in her early twenties with a husband in his mid twenties would suspect if they weren't having sex. Especially considering that sometimes we had sex three times a day while we were living together. I was constantly finding pornographic magazines and internet porn sites on his browsing history. I was too insecure and scared of losing him to say much, but it bothered me a lot. I knew something was wrong, I just wasn't sure what. I bought lingerie and cooked romantic dinners. I took him on weekend getaways. Nothing worked. So, I ate. You see, having children was extremely important to me. In fact, before I married my ex I told him that I would not marry him if he didn't want children. It was the only condition I had.
By our fifth year of marriage, I was now 28 and he was 32. We didn't have sex the last three years of our marriage at all. We were married in March 1995 and divorced in November 2002. From 1999 until the day of our divorce, he had not touched me. I hated him by then and probably would have attempted to break his hand if he had tried. I knew he was cheating on me. He had admitted to going to parties and enjoying the company of a seventeen year old girl, "but nothing happened". I also found out he was taking a woman he worked with on "dates" that he called "friends hanging out together". Again, I was called crazy, psychotic and jealous when I had a problem with that. I was done. I also weighed 270 pounds.
After telling my ex husband to leave the house in October 2001, I lost fifty pounds in less than three months. I had the support of friends and family. I was meeting people and began dating four months after our separation. I had made up my mind that I was too young to be miserable any longer and that I was going to have a life free of emotional and mental abuse. I didn't care when I found out he was telling everyone I cheated on him. I didn't care when I found out he had a letter written by someone I had never heard of and was telling people it was from my boyfriend. I didn't care when he told my mother I had made a pass at his co-worker at a party. I didn't care when I found out that he told everyone that he worked with that he didn't know where I was a lot of times when he knew I was visiting family or on business trips. What got me is when I found out he married the woman he had been cheating on me with and she had three kids. I discovered black, swirling, sucking, stinking pools of hatred deep within my gut that I never knew existed.
I began dating someone that I thought was the answer to all my prayers. He was handsome, successful, and independent. He treated me like I had always wanted to be treated. Nights that I got out of work late, he would call me and talk to me on the way home until he was sure I was in the house and safe. I felt loved. I felt cherished. I felt beautiful. I lost another twenty pounds. I was now 180 pounds. In June of that same year, 2002, I found out I was pregnant. I also found out that my Prince Charming wasn't so charming after all. He disappeared. He moved, changed his phone number, changed his email address and told the people at his work not to put my calls through. Now, it may surprise you to hear that I really wasn't that upset with him. I was too happy about being pregnant. I could do this on my own. I owned a house, a car, had a good job. I didn't need him or anyone to help me. This was completely doable.
I lived forty five minutes from my mother at the time and I'm diabetic. She insisted that I sell my home and come live with her. I resisted. She insisted. I resisted more. She insisted more. Finally, after realizing that my morning sickness, weekly doctor's appointments, endocrinologist appointments and twice weekly non-stress tests were taking a toll on my job and my pocket book, I agreed. If I didn't have the house payment to worry about I would be fine. That was the beginning of the end.
My younger sister, who lives next door to my mother, was not supportive. Actually, saying that my sister wasn't supportive is like saying Hitler didn't like Jewish people. I was called everything but human. I was criticized. I was ridiculed. It was nine months of unceasing hatred, finger pointing and harassment. My morning sickness increased, I began losing weight. The doctors worried about the baby. My sister accused me of being a drama queen. My mother refused to take sides or "get in the middle". I regretted my decision to sell my home, but now I couldn't afford to move out because of all the missed time from work. I was on FMLA and my hours were quickly dwindling. People at work would look at me and say, "I can't believe you're still coming to work." I looked like death warmed over.
When my son was born I quickly regained my weight and extra. I was up to 240 pounds in no time. My weight has steadily climbed since that time. I am now 5'7" on the dot and 285 pounds. I am happily remarried and living away from my mother and sisters. I will be forty years old in September and it has taken me this long to admit that those family relationships are toxic for me. I have made a decision to lose the weight and to get past the constant negativity and indifference of my family. I will do it and I will be healthy in my forties both physically and mentally. My son needs me and he needs me to spend time with him and to be more active. I want that too. He is the most important thing in my life and since heart disease, diabetes and strokes are in our family history, if I don't do something I won't be here in twenty years. I truly believe that.
And so, it begins...
Monday, August 1, 2011
Flesh Eating Monsters
Every kid knows that there are things that grownups just don't understand. My father, never one for sympathy, didn't have a lot of patience for our childish ways. Sympathy was reserved for other people's families only during the time immediately following a death. You had exactly three days. You then became one of those people that wallowed in misery and expected everyone to feel sorry for you.
My sisters and I would be back and forth between my grandparent's house and our house so much that we wore a path. The path veered off my grandparent's sidewalk and diagonally across their yard. It ran past the huge boxwood and approached the giant black walnut tree. There, it made a sharp left and ran across the crest of a hill along the edge of the garden. Walking through the garden was taboo. The two houses are probably fifty yards apart, but the necessity of skirting the garden made the trip considerably longer.
We were terrified of the black walnut tree. That's where the "boogie man" lived. My older sister said the small man off "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" that went around collecting all the children lived behind the walnut tree. I neglected to ask my younger sister what she pictured there, but I'm sure it had green slimy skin and red glowing eyes. I knew that one night something was going to jump out and grab me as I ran past. The trip home after dark required some preparation.
First, we would call our parents to be sure the porch light was on. We always hoped our mother answered because she would turn on the light. With my father, we had about a 50/50 chance that he would decide to toughen us up by letting us walk home in the dark. Worse, there was a 10% chance that he would decide to hide along the way and scare us. There was no use asking to speak to my mother if my father answered because he only answered the phone if my mother was completely unavailable. The nights that Dad answered, didn't turn on the light and then hid and scared us were rare, but happened at least often enough for us to add that to our list of things to worry about. My older sister and I make our plan before we made the call. "If Mom answers, do we ask her to turn on the light or do we ask her to spend the night here? If Dad answers, we definitely ask to spend the night." Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't. It was worth a shot.
If we had to make the trip home, I would make sure all the outside lights were on at our grandparent's house. I would start down the path with trepidation, barely trotting along. As I reached the tree, I would slow down and screw up my courage. I would listen for the sounds of anything lying in wait for me. Then I would bolt for my parent's house. I ran like the devil himself was on my heels.
When my friends were with me I was completely nonchalant, but secretly terrified. I couldn't have them going around telling everyone I was scared of a tree, could I? I would pretend the tree was not the haven of some hideous, flesh eating monster who liked to clean between his teeth with the bones of small children. I would walk past the tree like it was just another tree while they ran. I would resist the temptation to panic for as long as I could. The hair would stand up on the back of my neck and I would get goose bumps. When I couldn't stand it any longer or my friends were in the house where they couldn’t see me, I would set a land speed record for the safety of the porch light. Any kid knows a light will sear the skin of flesh eating monsters and make them skulk back to the depths from which they sprang. If the porch light wasn't on, I made it through the door in record time. I'm pretty sure the inner door still has scuff marks on it from my sneakers making contact at high speed.
As I got older the tree began to lose its' mystery. Now, my mother lives in the house where my grandparents lived. My younger sister, her husband and their two kids live in the house I grew up in. I'm happy to report that there is still a path between my sister's house and my mother's house. The black walnut tree is still there and still alive. We gather in the shade of the tree for picnics and cookouts. The kids have walnut wars just like we did when we were growing up. The path no longer runs past the big walnut tree though. I wonder why?
As I got older the tree began to lose its' mystery. Now, my mother lives in the house where my grandparents lived. My younger sister, her husband and their two kids live in the house I grew up in. I'm happy to report that there is still a path between my sister's house and my mother's house. The black walnut tree is still there and still alive. We gather in the shade of the tree for picnics and cookouts. The kids have walnut wars just like we did when we were growing up. The path no longer runs past the big walnut tree though. I wonder why?
Friday, July 29, 2011
Modern Medicine At Its' Best
If you've been to an emergency room in the past five years then you've probably been asked to rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10 by some nurse or doctor.
I always have trouble answering this question. If you rate it too low then they think you're wasting their time and will leave you in the waiting room until you've memorized the channel lineup, read all their magazines and made friends with the weird guy with the twitch in the corner.
I always have trouble answering this question. If you rate it too low then they think you're wasting their time and will leave you in the waiting room until you've memorized the channel lineup, read all their magazines and made friends with the weird guy with the twitch in the corner.
If you rate it too high, you are a whiny drug addict seeking their next fix. You're left sitting while they call all the neighboring hospitals to see how many emergency rooms you've hit up lately. Then you become the person with a twitch that sits in the corner.
I like to tell them seven and a half. Slightly above average, but not begging to be hit with a sledgehammer to end my pain.
It's even worse when they present you with "The Chart". You may have seen a chart that looks something like this one:
Frankly, the pictures are the worst part of it. I look at these faces and nothing about my pain is similar. For instance, according to the chart, my gall bladder pain would have been a 27.
Here are my thoughts on the misleading pictures:
Frankly, the pictures are the worst part of it. I look at these faces and nothing about my pain is similar. For instance, according to the chart, my gall bladder pain would have been a 27.
Here are my thoughts on the misleading pictures:
0 - No Hurt - I don't really know why I'm even here, but it has been a slow day and I really didn't have anything better to do, soooooo....
2 - Hurts a little. I probably could have solved this problem myself with a pair of tweezers or some duct tape, but I hadn't been in to see the new wallpaper you guys put up.
4 - Hurts little more - Gosh, my stomach is rumbling. I probably need to grab a burger on my way home.
6 - Hurts even more - Maybe I shouldn't have had that second helping of lasagna.
8 - Hurts whole lot - Maybe the beer pong game last night ran an inning too long after all.
10 - Hurts worst - I have a hangover AND the lasagna is repeating on me. Also, I have a hangnail that I'm pretty sure is infected.
These pictures just don't do my pain justice.
Here, with original artwork (TADA!) I have prepared the following for a better understanding of REAL PAIN:
1 - Mrs. Happy Pants - So, then, my aunt's cat, and this is really cute....Oh, wow, look at her shoes!
2 - The Philospher - I don't really know what's wrong with me, but I know what's not right.
3 - Seriously - I'm pretty sure I have a bad case of food poisoning or an alien is trying to break out of my abdominal cavity.
4 - Dead Serious - An alien has broken through my abdominal cavity and is eating my face. (Also good for migraines).
5 - Unbearable - Do you see this bone sticking out of my leg?
6 - Future Inmate - No one has to get hurt here. Just give me my pain shot and I'll answer whatever questions you have.
7 - Kidney Stoner - What do you people want from me?!?!?!? Can you not see that I'm bleeding from my eyeballs??!?!?! Shoot me!!! Shoot me!!!
8 - Natural Childbirth - Look into my eyes....
I think that pretty much sums it up.
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